There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
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Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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