so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
