I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
pray to the hookup gods
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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