So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
