I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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