Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
