i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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