I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
