Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
