dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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