Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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