and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
