you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
