those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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