I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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