how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
