found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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