I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
