Life is so much better after having sex.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
