I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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