I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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