if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
