cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize