If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
