Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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