I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
