my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Its about making memories worth repressing
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
