I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
