This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
