Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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