Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
two words...techno handjob
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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