I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
