you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Randomize
