I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
