We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
