please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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