I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
