I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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