she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
