i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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