My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
