she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
