apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
