my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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