I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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