I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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