I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I skipped work to stalk him.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
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