Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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