My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
