I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
