It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
