My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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