I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
