I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
