put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Welp...herpes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
