I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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