There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
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At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.