i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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