i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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